The PRC teaches a conditional gospel

This small essay is by Red Beetle (Monty Collier) taken from the Red Beetle group page with permission.

A Letter from David J. Devilsma (PRC)
Greetings, my name is David J. Devilsma. I have been a pastor and seminary professor for decades in the Papist Romish Churches (PRC for short), which are headquartered here in Michigan. Since I am a pastor and seminary professor, you can trust me.
Now that I have dazzled you with my titles and years of service, let me piously come to the point of this letter. It has come to my humble attention that there are individuals scattered across the globe who profess faith in the gospel, but who are not members of any institutional church that teaches our dogma. Some of these professing individuals have no institutional church at all in their area. This individualism must be crushed.
These individuals who trust in Christ alone for their salvation are not Christians, for they are not members of any institutional church. These men who rely merely upon the righteousness of Christ (rather than their own good works) are not just before God, for there is no salvation outside the institutional church. Lay people and commoners need to understand this: there is no salvation outside the institutional church. Trust me: I teach seminary.
Before one can even have a chance of being justified before God, one must do the following works: join an institutional church like those found in the PRC, obey the church's elders, support the church with your money, and never leave or get excommunicated. Oh, and if you do not live near one of our churches, you will need to leave and move to Michigan--you don't want to miss heaven due to being stuck outside of Michigan!
Once our reverend, holy priests, um, I mean "elders," accept you into our church, you can cease trusting in Christ alone and put your trust in your very own church membership! Hey, you can trust me: I'm a pastor.
Some complain about moving away, but wait: if you have the money, we would be delighted to come to your nation and minister to you. Of course, if you don't have the money, or, heaven forbid, if the money runs out, you will have to find your own way to Michigan (if you are one of the elect, you will get to Michigan and join one of our congregations). Now, we are not saying that your salvation depends upon you having money, were just saying you're going to hell if you don't have enough money to get here. If you're confused, don't worry, I teach seminary: these things are mysterious!
Oh, some of you may be thinking that the Bible alone is effectual and sufficient for salvation...well, it's not! Look, I have been a pastor for years, and I can tell you that no one has ever been saved by merely reading the Bible. One can only be saved by sitting under the preaching of an officially ordained PRC minister. This is because the Bible only becomes the Word of God when our priests pick it up and tell you what it means. The Bible is nothing without our ministers! So, if you want to witness one of our ministers transform the Bible into God's Word so you might have a chance to be saved, you better move here and join one of our churches.
A few critics, probably lay people, have claimed the Bible has many instances of people being converted, while not having membership in any institutional church--and while not being under the preaching of any officially ordained elder. Some have pointed to places in the Bible where people are converted by merely reading Scripture, or hearing it read by one who was not an officially ordained elder. Some have even pointed to Martin Luther's conversion and how Luther was converted merely by reading the Bible alone in a tower by himself. "Luther was not converted by the preaching of any officially ordained man," say some. Disturbing as these claims are to us at the PRC, time forbids us from dealing with such remarks. Like all, we are puzzled. Trust me, these things are mysterious!
Oh, and finally, a word to those critics who point out all the dogmatic identities between the Roman Catholic Church and the PRC when it comes to how men are justified before God. Look, just because the Roman Catholic Church and we at the PRC both teach that the gospel demands our obedience, which implies our good works are necessary for our salvation, thus mixing Law and Gospel, while proclaiming justification by faith and works; and just because we both teach that there is no salvation outside the institutional church--or that the Bible alone is ineffectual to save apart from the Church's official preaching/interpretation of it--none of this indicates that we at the PRC hold to a Roman Catholic view of the gospel. After all, you can trust me: I'm a pastor and seminary teacher.